Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from place. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")

And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have An additional area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":

Trump Tower Damascus

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often comfortable energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must halt using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You already know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"

The ad campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "the place's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."

One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."